Hi, it's me

Hi, It’s me

I don't know if you’ve noticed, but lately I’ve been really m.i.a. on Instagram. To be honest with you I’ve had a really hard relationship with Instagram for a long time. As a true Cancer I love to get way too attached to things. I pour my heart into every Instagram caption. I edit every photo precisely. And worst of all I let myself feel things way too deep. I analyze everything that happens to me- how people talk, the things they say, how much eye contact I make in a conversation, literally every interaction I have with another human.

Yes, it’s extremely tiring.

For me Instagram started as a place where I get way too much instant gratification. I love to know what people think of me. I literally thrive off of praise and attention. Which I’m not afraid to admit because, tbh don't we all?

Don't get me wrong Instagram has been a really good place for me too. It’s something that I genuinely like to do. I love to write, I love to take photos, I love to share and I’m way too sentimental so my captions are miles long. Even more surprisingly people like what I doing on Instagram. People love reading my captions and liking and commenting and engaging with me, so much so that my engagement rate is like 11% which is just insane bullshit I learned on the internet because I care too much about become a “blogger”.

But like I said it’s extremely tiring to care about what everyone thinks of you all the time.

For a couple of months there I was really good about doing everything right. I posted every day and I had fun captions and people seemed to be liking what I was doing more than usual.

But the deeper I dove into my goal of becoming a blogger the farther away from myself I felt. I could feel my anxiety spiraling out of control.

I often say that I feel like I have way to many tabs open in my brain. Thats basically what anxiety feels like to me most of the time.

I decided to start going to therapy again two months ago. After we signed the lease on our apartment we drove to McDonalds (I love McDonalds don't come for me okay) and then stopped at Fedex so Chaz could print something for work. When he left the car I started sobbing uncontrollably. It felt like a scene from a movie. There I was stuffing my face with the large fries I had just ordered and I couldn’t stop crying. I called a therapist the next day.

Long story short Instagram is the source of so much of my anxiety… but I still want to be a part of it. These past few weeks I stopped posting because well, I didn’t really have anything to say.

All I’ve ever really wanted was to become Instagram famous which sounds ridiculous but it’s true? Like, I really wanted to get to 2k followers but wtf is that going to do? Somehow make my photos less average? Or somehow make my life more interesting to other people? Or probably just validate my sense of self worth.

As you can probably tell by now I’ve been having some really deep introspective moments lately. Today as I sat on the beach with my new journal I had this really big thought.

When was the last time that I created something that was 100% for myself?

I often peg myself as this creative mind. I love fashion and art and photography and all these things that take an ‘artistic eye’. But when was the last time I worked on something and really poured myself into it and then didn't show it to anyone but myself? When was the last time I sat down with my journal and literally wrote something with a pen and paper that wasn’t a to do list?

I remember in first grade I made a card for my teacher on manila paper. You know the paper, the stuff thats yellow-y and thick and for some reason they only give to you in elementary school. She loved it so much that I thought to myself, I’m going to make a card making business. You know a typical thought for an 8 year old. So I spent the rest of the free time making cards. And employing the other students to make cards with me. And then trying to sell the cards for a quarter to other kids and teachers. Like seriously, who am I?

I guess my point with that story is this, why do we always have to turn our passions into jobs? For me Instagram is a passion that I’ve always wanted to become a job. Changing my relationship with it is an ongoing battle.

But I’m working on it.

I guess that’s the point of this blog post? I’m trying to learn how to share things. Not just things people will comment on or like or share or all that bullshit, but just things that I feel like sharing. So here’s this, just some rambling little thoughts.